I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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