I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize