Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
