The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
