i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
