mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You ruined the universe
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize