The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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