Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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