my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
