So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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