He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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