you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
