3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
