hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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