I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
