you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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