I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
