I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
