I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
