i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Randomize
