u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
