are you so shy because you have an std?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
