What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
