Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
