doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
