Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
