shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I would ride that face into the sunset
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
