It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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