Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
