he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
