The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
