someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize