You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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