I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
