I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
