Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize