So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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