Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize