dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
