Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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