I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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