My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I won the penis lottery.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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