If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
