Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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