There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize