I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
