I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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