I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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