Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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