I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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