3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
