i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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