The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
