i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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