he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
