I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
