remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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