There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
