Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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