Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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