just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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