So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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