All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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