Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
