How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
