I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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