Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
