The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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